So I caught this over at Feministing regarding some study which states that 60% of women don’t sleep. And Jessica brought up a good point:

At the top of the poll was stay-at-home moms, who get the least amount of sleep. The only comment regarding this fact was that ‘Some of these women are putting their families at risk by driving while they’re drowsy with kids in the car,’ said Dr. Kathryn Lee, of University of California, San Francisco.

Let’s not be concerned with your health consequences, think about your children some more! That will be the perfect remedy!

And she is right. Nobody really takes the time to think about what sleep deprivation means or what it can do to a person. What bothered me was one particular commenter: *

This is something that bugs me about feministing sometimes- making something out of nothing. I admit that I didn’t click on the link, but from what is posted just here on the site, I don’t see anything that says that stay-at-home mothers shouldn’t care about their own needs or health concerns. All it says is that they may be putting children at risk from driving drowsy, which is true. If you’re driving, I’m pretty sure you can determine the level of risk you’re putting yourself in, but the children can’t.

Also, if someone doesn’t know that being sleep deprived is bad for your health, then that’s pretty sad. I don’t think that’s something that can/should be taught in school or elsewhere; it’s just common sense.

Bold mine

This comment pissed me off, so here I am.
I can only assume that this particular commenter has never actually felt true sleep deprivation. She probably doesn’t have children. I am talking about the deprivation, which eliminates a person’s ability to make rational, thoughtful decisions about the welfare of those around them and in their charge, as well as themselves. I am talking about the lack of sleep it takes to actually reduce a woman’s adrenal function (Hi). This is the sleep deprivation that comes with motherhood.

I know a whole lot people who do not know exactly what sleep deprivation can do to a body. And not because they are uneducated, or just clueless. Most of these people are too fucking tired from working and/or taking care of their kids, and/or trying to have a social life apart from their job and/or family that they just don’t have the energy or opportunity to be educated about it.

We do not live in a society where we are generally told to be rested for better performance in the morning. In fact we are pushed in the opposite direction.

The longer hours you work, the better you look to the boss. The earlier our children get to school, the smarter they will be. The later you stay up writing, reading, watching, learning, creating, etc., the better you will be.

And the ever popular, “you can sleep when they go to college.”

None of this is true. The first time you leave early, your boss will call you a slacker and your previous thousands of after-hours will mean exactly shit. It doesn’t matter how early we get our children to school because they will still be sitting in a class taught by a teacher as old as dirt and just as motivated to inspire learning. If you stay up too late doing anything, you don’t get any sleep and your body doesn’t regenerate properly and you forget all of the wonderful stuff you stayed up late learning.

And I guarantee I won’t be sleeping better when they go to college.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This is a phantom “disease” which affects your muscles. Every day you feel like you have been beaten up all over. Weird.

The two main things that my doctor instilled in me was how important exercise and a good night’s sleep is to feeling better. Seems simple enough.

But I have never been a good sleeper, even as a child. Too much on my mind, etc., etc. blah, blah, blah.

At the time that I was diagnosed and really feeling pain, I was on non-stop mode with classes and full time work and rehearsals and the gym and on and on and on. Not a moments rest.

When I started to actually get restful sleep, I realized that for as long as I could remember I had been “twilight” sleeping. I was always aware of what was going on in our neighborhood, as I slept.

I learned that when we sleep a full cycle, our body heals itself. I started to actually see the results of my relentless exercise. Also, and most importantly, my pain eased up.

Then I got pregnant and had my son.

Let me just take a break here to explain to any of you who do not have children. There are a lot of things that people do not tell you when you get pregnant. I may list these things sometime, but not tonight. And as much as other moms, young and old, are just fucking full of insight, advice and judgment, they are not however full of facts and hot tips. They will only tell you how “fantastic” motherhood is and “oh, it can be hard but I just can’t imagine my life without little blah meh over there.” They tell you to “enjoy” it while you can because it won’t last. I am not sure what exactly, won’t last, but it may actually include your sanity. Maybe they don’t tell expecting mothers the truth because misery loves company and if you knew the truth you may abort and then who would they have to talk to? I am all about honesty here in Mommies Paradise and this shit is hard. But they NEVER tell you about the real fatigue. They only tell you to sleep when that baby sleeps. And their babies ALL slept fine. *cough*bullshit*cough*

Boy, I digress eh? Once That Baby moved out of the sleeping, eating, peeing/pooping phase and into a supposed nap “schedule,” about four months in, he refused to sleep. Rare lengthy naps. Waking up pre-dawn and not going back to sleep. Just normal baby stuff. Some babies sleep, some babies don’t. Some babies cry all the time, some don’t. I got the non-sleeping version.

I talked to my pediatrician and he made some suggestion that didn’t work. I tried all sorts of tactics but to no avail. I bought every book out there regarding sleep. I did internet research that you would not believe. I have become a bit of an expert in sleep.

The first thing the experts tell you is to try putting them to bed earlier and earlier until they sleep a full night (technically considered six hours). That Baby went to bed at 5:30 p.m. for a year and half. It helped more than not, but not really. People would scoff at me. One parent called him “that funny sleeping child.” For a while I could not leave the house for longer than 45 minutes so I could get back to put him down for a nap that rarely lasted longer than 30 minutes. Not long enough for me to nap, ever.

By six or seven months I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that I literally could not move some days. But I had to. I had a baby to take care of. I am a *shudder* SAHM. Some days I would just sit on the couch and watch him play and he would tumble over. When a normal person would jump to their child and catch them I literally just watched it happen and then moved to him. Like I was in liquid. I could not react.

Once my mom was with me and he started to fall off of something, I am not even sure what, possibly my bed, and she caught him before I could even register the movement. I was closer but I was so deprived of sleep my brain literally delayed the response.

Then there were the days that I tried the cry-it-out method. There is nothing better than hearing your child cry and scream for and hour or TWO to really help your already sleep deprived and addled brain. And my son has what I refer to as the “social services cry.” I waited everyday for the cops to show up on my doorstep.

I tried to go the gym to feel better. Let’s not overlook the fact that I was not the only one who was tired. That Baby was delirious with fatigue as well. He simply refused to sleep. When I went to pick up That Baby from the child-care center, the attendant was trying to get him to take a nap. Ha! Good Luck Sister! She simply sniffed at me “He should be taking a nap.” Really?? You think?? Fuck You little girl without children. I didn’t go back to the gym with him for a year and a half. Basically, I didn’t go back to the gym.

As I became even more and more fatigued - at one point running on an average of something like four or five interrupted hours of sleep a day for weeks on end - it should come as no surprise that I became a worse and worse mother.

Some days I would have to literally leave That Baby in his crib and just leave the room. No matter what was happening. For however long it took to get my shit together. He was safe in his crib. I was going insane and had to just go away from him.

And then I would cry and cry and beat on things because I was exhausted and angry. And incredulous that this, THIS is how it is to be a mother today. I would get so angry with myself and I couldn’t stand myself.

And ultimately Guilt was like the swift kick of a steel-toed-boot in my gut that would break me down the most. Guilt at not being better at something that women have been doing forever, the way that women have been doing it for centuries. Guilt for not being able to control my emotions more. Guilt for not being more euphoric about parenthood. Guilt for allowing myself to be unstable. Guilt for being what I viewed as weak.

It was the most frightening time of my life.

Things have gotten better. Much, much better. He still has a hard time going to sleep at night but he does sleep through the night now. That change only occurred a couple of months before he turned three years old. And usually, usually he takes a nap during the day and so can I.

After my pediatrician had a child of his own - who also didn’t like to sleep - his whole viewpoint changed. He confided in me that in medical school, the students were only given a one-day workshop regarding sleep, which included pediatric sleep. A One. Day. Workshop.

So, to that commenter I say that sleep deprivation does in fact impair a person’s ability to make responsible decisions, such as whether or not he/she should drive their children anywhere so that they can get out of this fucking house and stop being a Stay-at-Home-Mom and start being a Getting-Out-of-the-House-Mom.

I would bet that a lot of people, possibly even a large part of the population, do not truly understand how important it is to sleep. And you are right, commenter. That is sad. But only because it is “…something that can/should be taught in school or elsewhere…” It is definitely something that must be included in what I feel should be a mandatory class for new parents. It is something that should be promoted by doctors and other medical professionals. Sleep education should be taught as preventive medicine.

There is a reason the National Sleep Foundation exists. Because people are woefully ignorant of the true importance of sleep and what really can happen when we don’t get enough - or any - as might be the case.

And don’t even get me started on my best friend who had a baby at the same time as I did and balanced a thriving career. I still don’t know how she functions.

*The whole tone of the comment is superior and patronizing and really annoying. ech. This person went on to post more comments basically touting her lack of victimhood by the patriarchy (good for her) and sharing her enlightenment as a woman, letting us all know that she just didn’t understand the issue here. Not to worry, the other commenters did take issue as well and in good Feminist style thwarted her moves at trollhood. Yay.