Well, okay. These days Oscar makes me misty. It used to make me cry.

I am an actor. I have always been an actor and I will always be an actor. Even before I knew I was an actor and even while I am not currently pursuing a career as an actor, I am still an actor.

People who feel it in their bones to perform, will always be performers. People who are more comfortable on a stage than walking down the street, are always performers.

I remember my very first opening night. I remember going out on to the stage before the theater opened and I waited for a flutter of nerves. I expected some anxiety. Some sense that this, like everything else I had ever done, would be riddled with self consciousness and debilitating fear. I had never done this before and I must have butterflies. I was on that stage specifically to get all of this out of my system.

But I had none of that. I thought maybe it wasn’t important enough to feel nervous. Maybe I knew I wasn’t very good or I was so “small” that I would fade into the background and no one would see me anyway. Subconsciously I knew this must be true.

But as I stood on a stage bigger than I could have ever imagined. A stage bathed by lights all pointing at me, I never felt more sure of myself. I never felt more safe. It was warm and full and real - I felt larger than life. What I felt was not some precognition of failure and just all around suckyness. Rather, it was comfort. For the first time in my life I was comfortable in my skin. I felt completely safe.

Most of the finest actors that I have met are also some of the most damaged humans. Not necessarily people who have been abused or riddled with troubles or any of the usual causes of human damage, but more a chemical make-up. People who never quite fit in with the masses. That is why actors hang out with actors. It can be annoying and exhausting at times, but it is also like being with family. People who get you. People who understand you.

Oh, we are fun at parties but that is because we are performing. Entertaining the crowd, see. I love to be at parties and in crowds but I feel like I can’t find a space to settle into and after all, a moving target is hard to hit.

Now, let me clarify that just because someone loves to do something, that doesn’t mean that they are particularly skilled at it. That is not to say that I am a bad actor. I am just sayin’.

As I watch the Oscars, every year, I am struck by the same thoughts.

• I love acting
• I love actors (Let’s not get true, real, awe inspiring performers confused with “celebrities” the way that we know them today - there is a difference. There are thousands of people who have pursued celebrity through acting but have no love or respect for the craft)
• There are so many movies that I have not seen and I ache to see them
• Those people are lucky to be able to do what they love

And I almost always get weepy when the actors win, and lose.