As a teenage girl I was introduced to the opposite sex on a whole level never before experienced. This new view sent me into a tail spin of angst and frustration and sometimes anger, and even a penchant for destruction (usually destruction of the phone I was holding while having a “conversation” with the opposite of my sex). I could never understand them. I tried to figure them out. I tried to discover what they wanted, what they were looking for. I tried to get them to “talk,” in an effort to share the great mysteries of men with me. I researched, I investigated (by investigate I mean dating men of many different races, creeds, age groups and even species). I asked why they wouldn’t ask for directions. I asked why he said he would call - when we both knew he wouldn’t. I inquired as to why he was so horrifyingly preoccupied with his genitals — namely its size. I researched the constant need for sex - regardless the situation, climate or location. What is it with the fisticuffs?

When I asked “What are you thinking?” more times than I can count the reply was a simple “Nothing.” Aaaaghhh… Riddles! You riddle talking man! NOTHING? How is that possible? There are so many things that need to be thought about! Your job, the state of the world, your plans for the weekend, my hair, the sale at Nordstrom, that great new lipstick I bought… oh. Ahem. Anyway, there are a LOT of things that need to be pondered so how can someone simply be thinking of … nothing?

However, I have made a discovery that sheds light on much of my confusion and angst as a woman. Unfortunately, it took me thirty something years to finally come to this new dawning - and I had to become a parent to do so. Are you ready? Okay, here it comes… Men Can’t Help It. They are honestly born that way. There is no mystery here, no big surprise. There isn’t even a trick to it. It is just plain old biology. Society comes along later to really fix things - and good.

How do I know this? “Now you are talking in riddles, you riddle talking woman” you say? Well, I gave birth to a son. A red blooded, head banging, penis investigating, toy throwing, dive taking -grrrrr- boy! He growls. He takes every opportunity, when his pants are off, to check his man-parts. He pulls on it, he points to it and announces it loud and clear - “Menis!” (Penis - he is only 22 months old after all). There are even times when he just wants what he can’t have. Sound familiar?

When he was only two weeks old, his penis already had a mind of its own. And it continues to live a singular life - surprising me with a stout salute every now and then! At first I gasped and, horrified I looked to my husband for some sort of explanation - hmph. He simply laughed at me and said “You don’t get it do you?” As if to imply that the joke is on me or that I will never understand something that has been explained to me millions of times. Ha! Mr. Daddy — No. I don’t “get it.” Why would I “get it?!” I have indoor plumbing! I do not have an extra appendage that literally has a mind of its own! None of this has been explained to me adequately! Apparently I needed visual aids - because I am starting to understand.

How do you apply this to your everyday adult life ladies? All I can say is that if you know a man who seems to be a pretty good man, then appreciate it. He is battling the demons of his genitals every day. Understand that he is really probably thinking of nothing, except his penis, his need to growl and maybe food.

That Baby has a fascination with his parts that amazes and intrigues me. He bumps into walls and just backs up and goes the other way. His head is like a rock. He throws things - just to see what happens. He grunts and growls. Then he gets in the bath and, if the shower curtain is affording a certain amount of privacy, he investigates his penis - intently.

It really is fascinating.